Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Drama fills the hallways of middle and high schools every day. Melissa got dumped and she's crying at her locker. Jasmine is wearing her "I don't care" face pretending like it doesn't matter that her boyfriend likes someone else. Ouch!
If you haven't had it happen yet, I've got bad news for you. Studies have shown that over 99% of high school relationships end in break-up. Honestly when a relationship falls apart, it can be a really difficult time. Check out these tips we have learned in the trenches of abstinence presentations that might help you or a friend. We hear and see this stuff all the time.
If your friend is planning a break up:
- Be supportive. Ask questions, don't interrogate. Listen more than talk. Empathize. The reason for breaking up may seem very trivial to you but that doesn't really matter. Be mature and compassionate.
- Draw upon any personal experience you may have. Even if you haven't had the most torrid romances or tons of relationships, you probably can offer them some helpful thoughts. Don't sound preachy but use humor and sensitivity.
- Help them practice how they are going to break up. Be a sounding board to your friend and give them your undivided attention so they will know the right words to say and the best way to do it.
- Speak up. As crazy as it sounds, tell your friend's parents if you know that the relationship is abusive. If you really care about your friend you may need to speak up for her/him and talk to the folks. Why? Because if there is any hint of instability, violence, illegal behavior, etc., you have to say something. I was involved with an unstable boyfriend during college and I wish I wouldn't have gone it alone. Looking back, I now believe it would have been entirely acceptable for my friends and even my parents to have intervened. He was a crazy nutcase - 'fer real!
- Pray and seek spiritual wisdom. If possible, pray with your friend about this sensitive matter. Find time privately to lift this situation up as well. When my friends are struggling, we pray together. Of course, you don't have to even let her/him know, you can also pray by yourself if you know your friend is facing a difficult situation.
- Encourage them in the future to just stay friends. Pick your timing carefully so this option isn't dismissed. In a manner and style that is right for you, maybe explain that by not pairing up in the first place, they could enjoy the worry free zone of Waiting. By waiting they are then able to like anyone, anytime, anywhere without repercussions! Be a good example to your friend also.
If you're the one who's planning on breaking up:
- Be gentle. It's not necessary to devastate a person when breaking up.
- Take a long break between relationships so you can reassess your standards.
- Get to the point. Be forthright and brief. Some decent opening lines include, "I don't think I want to be in a relationship right now." "I don't have those kinds of feelings for you anymore." "I don't want to be mean or anything but I think it's time to move on." Let the person down quickly but directly to avoid confusion.
- Consider the feelings of the other person. This didn't happen to a poor guy who checked his email and his girlfriend done kicked him to the curb or another fella whose "ex" left him a message on the home answering machine telling him that things were heading south. The Golden Rule of treating others as you would like to be treated is highly applicable in this matter.
- Maintain physical boundaries. The best way to bust up a good relationship is to add heavy physical involvement to the mix. One time a girl shared with us after class that she barely had her clothes on and her boyfriend broke up with her. We'll never know the reasons why that relationship ended but sexual activity adds a deep level of intensity to things. Be wise and keep things physically and emotionally innocent.
- Don't spread rumors. The pain of a break-up is intensified if the "dumper" tells gory details about his/her former love. Looks of anguish and pain manifest themselves countless times as students share how someone discussed personal aspects of their relationship. This only embitters that person more and creates deeper emotional wounds.
- News flash: It's not always necessary to stay friends after a break-up. A girl at a youth group once shared with me that she had a "physically degrading" relationship with a guy at church. Upon hearing our message, she realized she was being used and deserved better. She had ended their entanglement but they were now the "best of friends." When she emailed me this information, I told her to treat him with respect but to let there be some distance and accountability between them. It was wrong how he disrespected her. How would he know to treat a girl differently if little had changed?
- Remember. So many young people are looking for love and affirmation. It is seldom found in a fleeting romance and even more rarely in a random hook-up. A stable and attentive family and encouraging friends mean a lot. Let their unconditional love help heal that broken or bruised heart.
Ah, I still remember the time I was in 6th grade and my boyfriend told his friend who then told me that I had been dropped (retro speak for dumped). Don't worry, I'm over it now. Three decades, three kids and many years of marriage have healed those puppy love wounds, thank goodness! Whether you are the friend or the breaker-upper, maybe these pointers can help you if the time has come for that relationship to be Splitsville.
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