Drama fills the hallways of middle and high schools every day. Melissa got dumped and sheÕs crying at her locker. Jasmine is wearing her ÒI donÕt careÓ face pretending like it doesnÕt matter that her boyfriend likes someone else. Ouch!
Studies have shown that over 99% of high school relationships end in break-up. One of the most difficult times for teenagers is when a relationship falls apart. This article is meant to offer some worthwhile tips that we have learned in the trenches of abstinence presentations. We hear and see this stuff all the time.
How to help your teen through the break up process:
- Be supportive. Ask questions donÕt interrogate. Listen more than talk. Empathize. The reason for breaking up may seem very trivial to you but that doesnÕt really matter. Offer your child understanding with discernment and compassion.
- Draw upon any personal experience you may have from your younger days. Although your teen may not come to you seeking advice, your wisdom may be the one thing they need the most during that time. If you are divorced or separated, it might be best to avoid discussing soured adult relationships. DonÕt sound preachy but with humor and sensitivity, let them know you have learned a few things along the way.
- Help them practice what theyÕre going to say. Be a sounding board to your teen and give them your undivided attention so they will know the right words to say.
- Step in if necessary. If the relationship is abusive or distrustful, consider speaking up on behalf of your child. Exercise caution in this area and only do this if you believe your child has been endangered. If there is any hint of instability, violence, illegal behavior, etc., you have the right and responsibility to intervene. DonÕt expect your teen to be happy about this but you are the parent! I was involved with an unstable boyfriend during college and I wish my folks had spoken up and directly to him. It might have helped. Looking back, I now believe it would have been entirely acceptable for my parents to have spoken up in this case.
- Pray and seek spiritual wisdom. If possible, pray with your child about this sensitive matter. Find time privately to lift this situation up as well. When my sons are struggling, they often appreciate it when we have prayed with them. I also pray by myself or with my husband when I know they are facing a difficult situation.
- Encourage them in the future to just stay friends. Pick your timing carefully so this option isnÕt dismissed. In a manner fitting for your teen and your parenting style, explain that by not pairing up in the first place, they could enjoy the worry free zone of Waiting. By waiting they are then able to like anyone, anytime, anywhere without repercussions! Communicate this message to your kids often.
Practical matters about breaking up:
- Tell them to be gentle. ItÕs not necessary to devastate a person when breaking up.
- Advise them to take long breaks between relationships so they can reassess their standards,
- On the other hand, encourage them to be forthright and brief. Some decent opening lines include, ÒI donÕt think I want to be in a relationship right now.Ó ÒI donÕt have those kinds of feelings for you anymore.Ó ÒI donÕt want to be mean or anything but I think itÕs time to move on.Ó Let the person down quickly but directly to avoid confusion.
- Consider the feelings of the other person. This didnÕt happen to poor Jeremy who checked his email and his girlfriend done kicked him to the curb or Darius whose ÒexÓ left him a message on the home answering machine delivering the bummer news that things just were heading south. The Golden Rule of treating others as you would like to be treated is highly applicable in this matter.
- Tell your teen itÕs not always necessary to stay friends after a break-up. A girl at a youth group once shared with me that she had a Òphysically degradingÓ relationship with a guy at church. Upon hearing our message, she realized she was being used and deserved better. She had ended their entanglement but they were now the Òbest of friends.Ó When she emailed me this information, I encouraged her to treat him with respect but to let there be some distance and accountability between them. It was wrong how he disrespected her. How would he know to treat a girl differently if little had changed?
- Maintain physical boundaries. The best way to bust up a good relationship is to add heavy physical involvement to the mix. One time a girl shared with us after class that she barely had her clothes on and her boyfriend broke up with her. WeÕll never know the reasons why that relationship ended but sexual activity adds a deep level of intensity to things. Be wise and keep things physically and emotionally innocent.
- DonÕt spread rumors. The pain of a break-up is intensified if the ÒdumperÓ tells gory details about his/her former love. Looks of anguish and pain manifest themselves countless times as students share how someone discussed personal aspects of their relationship. This only embitters that person more and creates deeper emotional wounds.
- Remember. So many young people are looking for love and affirmation. It is seldom found in a fleeting romance and even more rarely in a random hook-up. A stable and attentive family mean a lot to a teen. Your love and affection are worthwhile and can help heal that broken or bruised heart.
Ah, I still remember the time I was in 6th grade and my boyfriend told his friend who then told me that I had been dropped (retro speak for dumped). DonÕt worry, IÕm over it now. Thirty years, three kids and almost 18 years of marriage have healed those puppy love wounds, thank goodness! Moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas, maybe these pointers can help you when the time has come for your teenÕs relationship to be Splitsville.
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